I recently ducked into a gloomy Parisian café that I thought seemed ideal for a quick lunch, since it had such an authentic vibe and the men at the bar selling cigarettes seemed so charming and elderly. I took a quick pee in the bathroom, which was very authentic as well. That is, if by “authentic” one means “a disgusting hole in the ground with no actual seat.” After the off-putting toilet encounter and a quick perusal of the unpleasant-looking food, I realized that this café was not the place for me. So I fled.

But on my way out into the sunny streets of Paris, the owner told me in his snippiest French, “That will be 50 cents for your use of the bathroom!” I grudgingly got out my wallet and was about to reach for some change when I realized that I was not about to satisfy the twisted and petty desires of this arrogant Frenchman. We got into a long heated argument, and I said things like, “It’s not normal to ask me to pay to use the toilet! I changed my mind about wanting to eat here. It’s not against the law. If you wanted 50 cents you should have put up a sign on the bathroom door!” I exited in a huff, but he followed me all the way down the street, threatened to call the police on me, and then violently shoved me across the sidewalk. Next time I’m going to try Starbucks.

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