Gauche is a term that pops into my life more and more frequently…

GAUCHE: French, literally means “left,” also: “1: lacking social experience or grace; also: not tactful: crude <gauche to mention the subject> 2: crudely made or done <gauche turn of phrase>”; also has connotations of the Left Bank in Paris and its more artistic and youthful identity than that of the Right, like the left side of the brain.

I have decided to begin a weekly entry on All Things Gauche that I encounter…

Gauche Food Etiquette:

1. When staying somewhere as a house guest: presenting your host with a box of chocolates, opening them immediately upon arrival, perusing the box for the one caramel kind you like, and licking or picking at the rest along the way.

2. When dining at an elegant restaurant (or any restaurant, for that matter): after finishing your meal, dipping your fingers in your water and rinsing your hands like a raccoon.

3. When going out to a festive dinner with friends: talking about your latest low-carb diet or workout regimen.

4. When going to a cafeteria or dining hall: bringing Tupperware.

5. When having an expensive meal with your generous extended relative: getting so drunk that you take your pants off and pee on the floor.

6. Writing about peeing on the floor on your blog.

7. When staying at a local country inn: eating all the turn-down-service chocolates, and then telling the foreign maid you never received any in order to get more.

8. When having breakfast with your new girlfriend: telling her all about the things you’re going to do that afternoon with your wife and kids.

9. When feeling full after eating appetizers: taking a “break” to unbuckle your pants, remove your shoes, and lay down on the floor.

10. When dining at a fine Italian venue: talking about how much you love the Olive Garden.

11. Generally: alluding to the Olive Garden.

12. When confronted with a platter of pastry “samples” at a cafe or bakery: eating all the samples while waiting on line, taking a look around, and then leaving.

13. When sitting down to your mother’s lovely Thanksgiving dinner: sending naughty text messages under the table.

14. When attending a wedding reception or gala: moving from your assigned table until you find the table with the most attractive people.

(The above photo is of Josiah McElheny’s “Endlessly Repeating Twentieth-Century Modernism” currently on view at the Museum of Fine Arts, Boston)

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