My jaunt in South America continues, and the language barrier presents more amusing incidents with each passing day.

Gauche Tips for the Deranged Traveler:

1. Use coupons from those little tourist restaurant booklets to redeem complimentary cocktails.

2. If staying in an apartment, go to a nearby luxury hotel and have the concierge make you reservations.

3. After struggling with the local language and speaking only in English, start talking to your waiter in French. That’ll throw them through a loop—especially if you don’t speak French.

4. Insult the club music that your cabbie has chosen to blast in the background. In English, say something to the effect of: “It’s amazing—outside of the U.K. and the U.S., music is just atrocious!” If this a tragic story of gaucheness, then your cabbie will promptly change the radio station and you will realize that he understands English, and that you have acted like a wanker.

5. On the flight, ask a random passenger with a window seat to switch with your back-of-the-bus-close-to-the-lavatory situation. Or, steal someone’s blanket and pillow while they are asleep. Or, change into pajamas midway through the flight. Or, steal extra snacks and mini Cokes while standing next to the flight attendants and waiting for the restroom. The truth of the matter is that airplane travel has become such an uncivilized landscape of utter gaucheness that it is a veritable free-for-all. These days, it’s considered elegant if a woman wears actual pants, instead of sweats or leggings, on a flight.

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