I am very much in love with one of my professors. A friend came to me desperately in the Art Library today with a similar predicament, asking, “What should I do? What can I do?” I am thinking it over and will get back to her with a more detailed plan. I have done the oh-so typical frustrated undergraduate girl dating the graduate student thing, a couple of times. But it turns out that the German Studies PhD student you think is so cute is actually one of two things, or two of two things:

1. Too absorbed in his eleventh year of his dissertation to tend to your basic needs in a romantic relationship.

2. Secretly dating the rest of the undergraduate student body, male and female.

I am going to advise my friend to do one of two things, or, if she’s really desperate for a proper date with this ravishing professor, she can do two of two things:

1. Attend his office hours with such frequency that it becomes clear that she is interested in more than just edification in “The History of the Viking Culture.”

2. Attend the 300-student lecture wearing nothing but her laptop case (which she can then use as a convenient seat cushion when she is explaining herself in the dean’s office).

I recently met a new graduate student, a real over-achieving dashing type who smells of musk, was raised abroad, and knows Japanese. I don’t think I’ll have to resort to the whole laptop seat cushion fiasco. Unlike me, he could never be gauche, even if he tried.

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