Summertime comes and people resort to meeting strangers on the street and agreeing to go on first dates with them. Unfortunately, the lighting at night on said streets often obscures the person’s true mimbo factor, and a man who at first appears to resemble Jude Law in fact resembles something a bit closer to Jack the Ripper.

Gauche things to do to a girl on a first date:

1. Inviting her to your parents’ house. Especially if you are over thirty-five.

2. When she arrives, offering her a beer at the kitchen counter.

3. Leaving “the game” on in the background so you can glance at the score.

4. Intermittently catching flies with your bare hands.

5. Talking about how you’re “between careers” and recently underwent vocational testing to discover your “true calling.”

6. Telling stories about doing shrooms.

7. Giving her a tour of all the make-out spots in your parents’ house and neglecting to turn on any lights.

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