I recently realized that I the man I was dating was almost three times my age. I could no longer see the charm in his traditionalist, sexist, colonialist, elitist outlook on life. So I decided to make a run for it. Unfortunately, I had left a lot of valuable personal items in his apartment. I snuck over to his place while he was at work and gathered up all my left-over belongings: special face creams and toiletries in the bathroom, my extra MacBook power charger, the emerald necklace he gave me for my birthday, 12 pairs of pantyhose he always wanted me to wear (because he is a chauvinistic, elderly creeper), etc. etc.

I also took a couple of roles of toilet paper (just to stock up) and contemplated stealing some of his expensive “artistic” photographs of naked women. I guess I wanted some revenge, since my friend recently spotted my ex out on the town, trying to cheat on me with another young woman. Something is wrong with the world that a 60-year-old man can date multiple 20-year-old girls at once, but a 60-year-old woman is lucky to get messaged by an 85-year-old guy on a dating website.

- Haley Hogan

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