Five masterpieces by Picasso, Matisse, Braque, Modigliani, and Léger were stolen from the Museum of Modern Art in Paris last week, estimated at a value of 123 million dollars. The culprit was caught on tape, masked, dangerous, and sneaking through a window. He or she took the time to remove the paintings out of their frames (instead of just slicing them out) and absconded into the night. A broken padlock and window pane were discovered by the museum staff the following morning.

It’s the biggest art heist since the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum was looted of works by Rembrandt, Vermeer, Degas, and Manet in 1990.

The wanker responsible for the Paris theft must have a lot of empty wall space, because the paintings are un-sellable and will have to remain in hiding, only to be shown to intimate friends. It’s like The Thomas Crown Affair — some billionaire who has everything is probably just playing power games so that he can decorate his secret sex dungeon or something sketchy. Some more expensive paintings were stolen recently from a few villas on the Côte d’Azur. Sounds like Cary Grant in To Catch A Thief, or maybe just a couple of billionaires messing with each other for shits and giggles.

- Haley Hogan

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