Let’s just say for the sake of argument that my friend was dating a boy named Dick Inwood. He was a prince with a roving eye and without vertebrae. He was fond of nights out in Shanghai, girls who wear Uggs, SKEX (Sex via Skype), and the law—not necessarily in that order. Dick Inwood makes the Wanker of the Week award, because after months of smothering his girlfriend in possessive love, one night he drank too much, had a fatal indiscretion, and promptly broke up with her. Did I mention that Dick Inwood pulled this mimbo move not once but twice? The second break-up took place via Skype, so he gets an extra special Wanker of the Week Gold Star Award for his creative use of technology.

Moral of the story: once a wanker, twice a wanker. Let’s just hope that my friend doesn’t go crawling back to Dick Inwood after he makes his inevitable puppy-dog plea for sympathy over the fact that he can’t hold his liquor without falling for some random girl’s line.

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