While taking a break from post-graduation reality TV marathons, joblessness, and torrential downpours, I attempted to engage in a bit of good Old Master Venetian paintings, or “culture,” as they call it up in The Ivory Tower (which I always thought was a nice way of saying ‘elitist white people who go to Ivy League schools’).

Gauche things to do in an art museum:

1. Taking pictures of the paintings with your iPhone camera, without looking up at the actual canvases.

2. Examining an authentic Tintoretto tableau and asking in a skeptical tone: “Is that the real thing? It’s a lot smaller than the poster.”

3. Twittering.

4. Pointing at a Titian painting of Venus and commenting: “Her breasts don’t look real.”

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