My friend arrived in Paris ready for a romance of epic proportions. Unlike the typical American who arrives in Paris and conscientiously avoids baguette and butter (out of an irrational fear of carbohydrates and cholesterol), she was ready to have her pain au chocolat, and eat it too.

She quickly met the perfect candidate to sweep her off her feet: a handsome, worldly celebrity, whom she knew during her childhood. He attempted to turn on the charm, invited her to his pimped-out penthouse overlooking the Bastille, and flooded her with tritely alluring text messages like, “You’ve certainly become a beautiful young woman…”

But it turns out that over the years he not only gleaned international fame but also got married and had a child. Luckily for this Wanker of the Week character, his wife is also a worldwide celebrity, so while she is on location in Texas taking care of their baby, he is free to be on location in France taking care of his own infantile issues.

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